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Terror at 35 Thousand Feet As Snake for Some Reason Hitches Ride to Jersey

Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

Indiana Jones said it, and I concur. I hate snakes. With apologies to Jake the Snake Roberts, Monty Python, Ausitn Stevens: Snakemaster, Snake Plisskin and literally everone in India, the only way to deal with a snake is with a hoe. And no, I don’t mean to try to seduce it for money. I mean to cuts it into dippable snake nuggets.  I think McDonalds test marketed snake nuggets in the 80’s. I could be wrong.

There have been more and more cases of snakes showing up on planes. Assuming they didn’t buy a ticket and dress in disguise like two little rascals in a trench coat trying to sneak into a movie, or end up as a garnish in a weird, third world salad, one must assume that despite the TSA’s “best” attempts, we are still getting unauthorized reptiles on planes. Whether in the in flight meal, or smuggled on by lunatic reptile lovers, I must agree with Samuel L Jackson;  I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE M**********G SNAKES ON THIS M***********G PLANE! Check this out and prepare to change those vacation plans.

Passengers on an United Airlines flight were sent into a tizzy after they discovered a slithery stowaway had found itself on board of the Boeing 737-800 jet.

The harmless garter snake turned up on United Airlines Flight 2038 from Tampa, FL shortly after landing Monday afternoon at Newark Liberty International Airport.

I do not care for one second how “harmless” anyone claims a garter snake is. Anything that doesn’t have legs, feet, arms or hands shouldn’t be able to climb a wall or swim. And don’t @ me about fish. Fish aren’t real anyway. Point is, snakes are evil. There is a very good reason God cursed them to crawl the earth for all eternity. What if some garter snake with bad intentions tried to talk me into rushing the cockpit? I mean, a snake convinced Eve with the whole apple thing and ruined it for us all, I know it would be able to talk me into some stuff.

I also have to question why any snake would be leaving the friendly red state confines of Florida for a liberal cesspool like Jersey. Certainly, the republican mice and rats in Tampa are juicier and more delicious and patriotic that the skinny, ropey, liberal snowflake mice in jersey. Yuck. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth just thinking about it.

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According to the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, the serpent was found slithering about in business class. 

Crew members were quickly notified after passengers began shrieking and pulling up their feet as the snake moved throughout the cabin.

Let’s be honest, the snake probably wasn’t the only reptile slithering around in business class! Boom! Maybe our hero was trying to escape from the two-legged slithering snakes in their pinstripe suites and briefcases?

Here’s another, if possible, sillier theory; maybe the snake was illegally in the country. Perhaps Ron DeSantis ran out of illegals (impossible) and started sending snakes without papers. That actually might make the good title of a sequel to “Snakes on a Plane”.  “Snakes Without Papers” starring Samuel L Jackson. He will do anything for a paycheck these days anyway.  Are you listening Hollywood? Of course not, they never listen to us.

In the end, no one was harmed, not even the snake, and they released it into the wild, which I assume meant they took it to Times Square. No word on how many times he has been stabbed since, but we will keep you updated.