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Stressed? Just Take Your Emotional Support Gator for a Walk!

Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m not an exotic pet guy.

In fact, reptiles in particular just aren’t pets. They are cold blooded killers that would love nothing more to eat you or swallow you whole.

We see time and again stories about people keeping reptiles as pets and things going incredibly wrong.

One unfortunate fellow had monitor lizards in his house that bit him and waited until he died of sepsis from their bites before eating him.

I ain’t going down like that!

There is a reason, a very good reason that literally every body of fresh water in Florida has warning signs for alligators!

Recently, a woman in Philadelphia was spotted taking her emotional support gator for a walk in the park. I can’t believe I even typed those words.

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Sometimes, you just need an emotional support alligator to get you through the day.

Over the weekend, a young lady was spotted in Philadelphia walking a pet alligator – Wally – on a leash through a fountain.

We’ve heard several emotional support animal stories over the years. Dogs are the popular choice, but we’ve seen ducks on a plane, peacocks in an airport, ostriches, pigs and snakes.

Wally here is just the latest to be thrust into duty after he was adopted in 2016.

Nope! Absolutely not. A reptile that has no discernable emotion cannot be an emotional support reptile, unless the emotion is terror, then sign me up.

How do you adopt an alligator? Was he a rescue? Is there an alligator section of Most Valuable Pets that I’m not aware of? Do you have to find a shady Chinese guy and have him take you into a secret room like you are buying a Mogwai?

Most of these off-the-wall support animals aren’t really support animals. You can order the fake support vests online, and since most places have policies against questioning why you have an emotional support llama, you can take your llama in the Home Depot.

It’s just silly. I’m not denying some people need real emotional support animals, but if you are sad your llama is just going to spit in your face anyway.

Sure, I’d love to take my cat to McDonalds with me, but that would just be impolite. I am not so important that I have to have my cat with me, even if he is awesome, which he is.

Apparently, Wally the gator is trained and friendly. Since I have never seen an alligator smile, cuddle, or rub up against your leg, unless it was to bite it, I am going to assume Wally is just an apex predator on a leash, waiting to give me a permanent limp.

Evidently, Wally is somewhat of a local legend in the area. His owner, Joie Henney, owns multiple gators, claims they’re easier to train then dogs, and even lets them sleep in his bed.

That is the hardest of pass. In fact, what is Joie Henney’s dating life like?

When I met my wife, she slept with two dogs, and that was damn near a deal breaker for me until I was able to convince her that #teamhuman was the way to go.

Had she had a pet gator, or three curled up on her queen sized Tempur-Pedic, suffice to say I would be a single man right now.

A single man with ten toes, ten fingers, and the rest of my more important appendages still intact.

Nope, if I see a gator on a leash downtown at the park, guess I am headed to the woods. I’ll just take my chances with the hillbillies and the bears, thanks.