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Florida for the Win! Man Gnaws Head Off Family Pet During Domestic Dispute!

Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

Florida never fails to deliver. It’s a beautiful paradise full of sun, sand, tanned hotties, and cold drinks. Where else can you wear shorts and flip flops in January? Politically Florida keeps winning as well. Ron Desantis is a rock star, the streets are safe, the children are being protected from Disney, I mean groomers, and the population is exploding as a result. Are there some downsides? Of course, everyplace has downsides. Besides being the lightning strike capital of the world, you have giant cats (panthers), alligators, giant monitor lizards, the occasional meth-head, and pythons. Lots and lots of pythons. However, thanks to one Florida man, the state now has one less python. Never mind it was a pet, and there was a domestic dispute taking place. Check this out.

A Florida man bit off the head of a pet python during a heated and violent domestic dispute with a woman, according to police.

The Miami-Dade Police Department responded to a report of a domestic dispute at an apartment complex just after 5:20 a.m. on Monday. When police arrived at the apartment, they reportedly could hear a man and a woman yelling at each other. Then the cops allegedly heard the woman scream after they knocked on the front door.

Was every dish broken? Had the couple exhausted their supply of things to break? To the man’s credit he didn’t get physical with his lady or attempt to bite her head off. Thank goodness the couple didn’t have a dog.

The woman pleaded with the police, “Just kick the door in!”

Police forcibly entered the home and witnessed Kevin Justin Mayorga, 32, fleeing the room. He reportedly attempted to close a door in another room to trap the victim “against her will.”

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Police officers instructed Mayorga to put his hands up, but he reportedly resisted. An officer used a taser on Mayorga, but the weapon had “no effect” on him, according to the police report.

Once the taser didn’t work, it became clear that Kevin was under the influence of performance enhancing drugs. Or bath salts. Normal people don’t stand a chance with a taser, as they are usually too busy peeing their pants and moaning on the floor. Not this guy. Not Kevin Mayorga. He had python blood coursing through his collapsing veins.

The woman in the residence informed police that Mayorga gnawed off the head of a pet python. The woman claimed that Mayorga grabbed the snake and decapitated the animal. Police allegedly confirmed the snake’s decapitation after finding the ball python’s body and its severed head near the front door.

Jail records show that Mayorga was charged with one count each of animal cruelty with the intent to kill, false imprisonment, and resisting an officer with violence. The Cutler Bay man was booked into the Turner Guilford Knight Correctional Center and held on $15,000 bond.

It was a bad night to be Kevin Mayorga, and a bad night to be a ball python. After snacking on the unsuspecting reptile, he spit the head on the floor like Ozzie Osbourn biting the head off a dove. Except Ozzy went on to be a rock legend, and Kevin is now just another Florida guy that bit the head off of a snake. Not very metal.